Recently at church I heard someone mention that there are many voices that we hear on a daily day to day basis. He mentioned positive voices, excited voices, sad voices, angry voices, voices of reason and persuasion, voices of conflict and frustration, voices to distract us, voices to confuse us, voices to lead us and guide us. There really are a lot of voices. In my life as a SAHM, HSTM, and wife, I hear a lot of voices in my house. My husband needs me, my kids need me, my house needs to be cleaned and organized and unpacked, the Lord needs me to help serve others and be a good steward over that with which He has blessed me with. My family voices their concern, their love, their lack of understanding, their support, their hurt. With teaching home school, my kids' voices are questions, needing help, needing clarity on a subject matter, needing a break, and asking when school is over. My husband and I are trying to start a business, he has things he needs to talk about with work, hopes and dreams, and wonderful ideas, and even sometimes the needed venting. I also hear my own voices telling me to work harder, eat healthier, exercise more, loose weight, clean the house better and more often, be more organized, sell or give away furniture that we don't need, get to know our new neighbors, have snacks available for our kids' new friends when they come and play.
What I have noticed is that there are some voices that are heard but were not mentioned are the voices that are so much harder to ignore, and tune out. Those little voices who sometimes yell that we're not good enough. I'm not a good enough wife because I can't keep my house clean, or that my kids aren't learning how to clean up after themselves fast enough. I'm not a good enough teacher and my kids aren't learning what they need to in school. I'm not a good enough wife because I don't know how to communicate my inner thoughts and feelings to my husband. Those voices that say: "Yes, you have a degree in art, what are you going to do now? Nothing, because you aren't good enough!" Voices that tell me my talents and hobbies, and the things that I am passionate about aren't good enough for people to buy (like so many of my friends get the privilege to do). That my painting skills aren't special, people can go to a one night wine and art class and learn to paint a picture better than I can paint. That my love to making jewelry isn't worth it, since no one is buying my jewelry. That I'm not a good enough, classy enough, rich enough, smart enough, social enough person. That even though I have stayed really healthy the majority of my life, because I lived a morally clean life, that even though I struggled as a mother, I was able to work with God and over come some major weaknesses I'm still not good enough to be able to have any more kids. That because I'm not good enough, I've done something horribly wrong that I don't know or remember and so I'm destined to never be good enough.
These voices have filled my mind for so many years, I have fought against them, prayed to have them be silenced, begged for comfort to know if I'm enough as I am, filled multiple journals with my thoughts and feelings because talking about how these voices make me feel is impossible. Some days it is so much easier to to just listen to these voices because after all maybe, just maybe what they are saying is true after all, but I've been in denial all these years. Have you ever felt that even though you are blessed with a happy life, a great family, a good safe place to sleep, food to eat, and a knowledge of God, you aren't living up to your potential? But, that no matter how hard you work, how much faith you have, how much hope to hoard, it's still not enough?
When is it enough? When will I be enough? When will what I have be good enough? When will these voices be silent? When will I be strong enough to over come these feelings? When will I be able to overcome these voices? How do I become enough? How will I know that I'm enough?
So with those questions, do I feel like my life isn't happy? No, I have a really happy life. I love my husband, he's my best friend, we have a great marriage. My two kids are the best thing that has happened to us. I love them so much! I will do anything for them, constantly praying for them and their well-being as I do the same for my husband. I love to serve others to help me keep a humble attitude. I'm a pretty laid back person, who enjoys what life has to offer: good books, TV shows, health, fun, work, family, and friends. I love the Lord and have a personal relationship with Him, I know He loves me and knows me personally. Having this, helps me stay grounded, and anchored when trials and afflictions come into my life. I understand that life will have those, and that is where I gain a lot of my appreciation for what I have been given.
But I will be honest, it's when those other voices, those Enough voices, when they speak longer, yell louder, and push harder that I see in my mind's eye how true their words are. They are the ones that tell me that if I pursue a career or money through my talents that I would not be as good a mom, wife, and friend. That I am being selfish because I want to change who I am. But, it's true!
So when is enough? When you say it is. When you choose for it to be so. When you decide to be done. When you realize the truth.
